The Worst Wingman Ever!

So there’s this guy named Cameron. We don’t talk much anymore but up until a few years ago he and I were best friends. We had been best friends since I was in grade 3 and he was in grade 2. Before I tell you the story of the worst wingman ever, allow me to tell you how we met:

So the year was…whenever I was in grade three. I’m too lazy to figure it out, but it was the early 2000s. It was recess time and I was sitting on a bench outside playing Wario Land 3 on my Gameboy Color (if it wasn’t the name of the product, I’d spell it “colour”). I had a big group of people around me watching me play for whatever reason (I guess their lives got a lot more interesting with me playing a hand-held console). Anyway, I was stuck on a certain part in one of the levels and couldn’t figure it out. Cameron came along and was like, “I know how to beat it.” And he did. After that we were inseparable for a very long time.

Now let me tell you about this girl, and no, this still isn’t the wingman story. Her name was Sarah. Cameron technically knew her first but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t get to know her, too. Cameron was bragging about how she was always talking to him, yadda, yadda, yadda. Up until that point neither of us had had a girlfriend yet, so this was exciting.

One day Cameron was over at my house. He had left his MSN account logged in on my computer as he decided to go to my basement and play video games. As the sly fellah I am, I pretended to be Cameron to talk to Sarah (who was online at the time) and told her to add Stephen on Facebook ’cause he’s a really cool dude. Okay, I didn’t say “cool dude”, I don’t remember exactly what I said, but she added me.

She nearly tore our friendship apart as he and I constantly fought over who she liked more (though it was neither of us as neither of us got to be with her and she kept getting other boyfriends). So anyway this one time she, Cameron, myself and two of her friends decided to go see a movie together. The night before, I was texting her and told her that I wanted to sit beside her. Turns out Cameron wanted to, too. Due to some really terrible seating arrangements Cameron got to sit next to her on one side and one of her other friends sat next to her on the other side. I ended up having to sit next to her other friend who I had a disliking for.

We got to the movie fairly early, so they were all chatting it up. I decided to try to be part of the conversation and (almost immediately) the girl I disliked told me to “shut up”. I think it’s fairly clear why I disliked her. But I didn’t say another word for the rest of the time we were there until the movie was done and that girl was gone, even though she tried to take back what she said by saying that she was “just kidding”. It was a terrible time. For a time reference, we went to see District 9, so the year and month was whenever that movie was still in theatres.

Cameron decided it would be a smart move to start bragging about getting to sit next to her and how he “almost held her hand” but “got too nervous at the last minute and didn’t”. Yeah, good bragging there, Cam. But no, that wasn’t the story that I was going to tell you. This was just an intro to who Cameron was (or maybe still is, to be honest I really don’t know).

Now for the wingman story. The first year that this ultimate rock concert thing came to my city Cameron had gotten two tickets and decided to take me with him. It was pretty fun. The next year it happened to land on my birthday so I got two tickets as a birthday present and decided to take Cameron with me to repay him for the previous year. It was my 17th birthday and things were going to be awesome. Until Cameron decided to make them not-awesome.

I’m a fairly shy guy (as I’ll talk about in a future post) and so, even though I was on the floor in the mosh pit area, I wasn’t really doing much. Cameron was having a blast (apparently fingering…well, I don’t want to get too graphic on here). Cam even told me at one point that it’s my birthday and so I should be the one doing this stuff, not him. How right he was, yet how much he didn’t actually mean that.

Shortly after that conversation occurred I started dancing with this girl who was completely wasted. It was awesome. Then Cameron got jealous and decided that he wanted to be dancing with that girl. So he told some guys to lift me up and make me crowd surf. I didn’t want to, but I’m a pretty short guy (something else I’m sure will be a recurring theme in this blog) so I didn’t have much say to these 6′ tall men. I was hoisted up and crowd surfed all the way to the front until I was thrown face first on the concrete. Excellent. Thanks, Cam.

By the time I got back to where Cameron and that girl was, they were dancing together and grinding and all the stuff I had been doing. What a jerk, right? Well, anyway, she ended up losing her phone and thought one of us stole it so…yeah, that happened. Thankfully the night wasn’t ruined though. There was a girl who kept flashing everyone and so, when the show came to a close (and with coaxing from Cameron believe it or not) I went up to her and told her that that was a great birthday present. Because it was my birthday she let me motorboat her. It was the best thing I had ever done and the closest to any base I had ever gotten with a girl up to that point.

Cameron told me a little later on that he was tempted to go up to her and ask her if he could do that to her, too, but ultimately decided against it because “it was [my] birthday.” Thanks, Cameron.

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5 thoughts on “The Worst Wingman Ever!

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