The Old Lady With No Sense of Humour

Back in 2012, working as a cashier in Wal-Mart, I had the most unpleasant little, old lady come to my register. I wrote a short story about it. Enjoy.

It was a bright and sunny day in the summer of 2012, but that didn’t mean that it was a good day for the old cranky hag who shall be referred to as Cranks for the remainder of this story. So this day was just like any other for Cranks regardless of the weather, lousy. She woke up at 6 o’clock in the morning, which was too early for her. But she couldn’t get back to sleep because of those “damn kids” with their “damn rock n’ roll” driving around her neighbourhood.

Cranks got out of bed and went to the mirror. Her devil horns were showing and she knew that she couldn’t get away with that. Not that she really cared what others thought of her, but still, devil horns were kind of weird. So after taking a shower, Cranks combed her hair over those devil horns (which, in reality are theoretical, but in this story are legit devil horns) and felt pretty good about herself. She didn’t realise that those horns were still partly poking out through the curls of her grey hair.

She wanted to put on makeup too but she noticed that she was out. She got really mad at this and probably punched a dog in the face or something. After putting a curse on the “wretched” police officer who tried to stop her, she finally decided that maybe she would go to Wal-Mart and buy some more cosmetics. But not for a little while, after all she had a busy day ahead of her like smacking an ice cream cone into a child’s face and popping the balloon animal that was another kid’s best friend.

Cranks went around smashing mailboxes and kicking garbage cans over. It was a typical day for Cranks. She liked to kill flies and sneak them into people’s soups. It’s not that she found any of this fun or even remotely funny, after all she had no sense of humour, she just hated everyone and wanted them all to be as miserable as she was.

Passers-by would stare at her as she callously did these terrible things to nice and innocent people who did no wrong to her or to anyone. Cranks had always been this way since birth. When she was born the doctors had noticed her devil horns and thought that something didn’t look quite right about them, but shrugged it off. Little did they know that she would be a horrible sin to humanity.

Anyway, after finishing throwing sand in the eyes of homeless people, she finally decided to come to Wal-Mart. It was a busy day and that agitated ol’ Cranks. She knew she couldn’t really do much to the people in Wal-Mart without getting kicked out and she desperately needed those cosmetics to hide the red tint to her skin that resembled the devil. You know, in case those devil horns weren’t indication enough. In any case, she grabbed a few small cosmetic items and went in line in express. And wouldn’t you know it, she happened to come to the register of a young whippersnapper by the name of Stephen Kaplan.

Stephen was this cool, young dude who was in a surprisingly upbeat mood for being a cashier at Wal-Mart. He was feeling happy and wanting to joke around. Unfortunately Cranks was in the exact opposite of moods, like she always was, and therefore did not like young Mr. Kaplan.

Everything was going swimmingly until this one moment… Well, Stephen had noticed that she only had a few small items, so when he rang them through he put them in a small bag for her. It was simple and convenient…or so he thought. After she paid she was a little confused and disgruntled at Stephen handing her this teensy bag.

“Is that the biggest bag you can give me?” She asked in her best human voice.

Stephen, jokingly pointed to the really large bags and said, “Well, no, this is the biggest bag I can give you.”

That was a big mistake. She stared daggers at Stephen and (probably) telepathically put a curse on his soul. Stephen meticulously put the small bag into one of the medium sized bags. He then slowly handed the medium sized bag to Cranks.

“I guess this is the size of bag you want,” Stephen said in a rather glum voice.

“YES!” She hissed as she snatched the bag out of Stephen’s hand.

She then stormed away, angrier than she felt when she had woken up that morning.

“Stupid asshole,” she probably muttered when she was far enough away from Stephen.

The rest of the day was spent much the same as the beginning of the day, except now she was really pissed. The thing about her devil-like nature is, the angrier she gets, the more devil-like she looks. So by the end of the day her whole body was red, her devil horns were visible from space and she had a tail and a pitchfork. Her house was engulfed by flames and the souls of the damned wandered around her living room.

And that is the story of the old lady with no sense of humour.

The end.

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