Can Anybody Find Me Somebody To Love? (Part Three)

It’s been a tiring, perilous journey. Well, maybe not perilous, but tiring nonetheless. If you’ve stuck with me up until now, I thank you and applaud your dedication. I hope that by reading about my failed love life you can empathise with me and maybe you won’t feel so bad about your own life. But we’re not done yet. So what has happened with me since January 2013 when Erica and I broke up? Have I found new love? Have I delved deep into my soul and found meaning in life? Well, no… But here’s what has happened. Welcome to part three: To Infinity and Beyond. (Please don’t sue me.)

So things started off smoothly. Especially in February. I was being invited to various parties every week throughout February. The best part was that I could actually attend these parties without fear of a suicidal girlfriend constantly telling me she was going to kill herself. And after losing a best friend and a girlfriend, I felt that getting out of the house and attending parties was the best thing I could do.

Nothing happened at any of these parties. Like, absolute zilch. I had an average amount of fun and an okay amount of alcohol (which may have been the problem…I wasn’t drunk enough). I didn’t meet any cute girls, I didn’t dance with any cute girls, I didn’t sleep or make out with any cute girls. They were simply mediocre parties that I was fairly meh about. It was nice to get to hang out with friends and stuff, but still it was pretty meh.

Anyway, after February the fun completely stopped. I was no longer invited anywhere and I stopped hanging out with friends and returned to my life of solitude that I had before I was ever in a relationship in the first place.

Then summer came about. Now before I get into a long, drawn out and ultimately disappointing story, let me tell you about something that was simply awesome.

This happened in early August of 2013. I was a cashier in Wal-Mart (this was just before I started working in the “back-to-school” section). I was on one of the express registers and it was about quarter after eight in the evening, so it was pretty quiet. Three girls came to my register. This is where the story gets interesting…

The first thing they asked me was if I was single. I was surprised and caught off-guard, but told them that I was. As it turned out, they were part of a bachelorette party and playing some sort of bachelorette-bingo or bachelorette-scavanger hunt. They needed to get a picture of a single guy with lipstick marks on his cheek. Well, after asking for my permission, and me (obviously) agreeing to it, two of them ended up putting on lipstick and both kissed me on my cheeks as the third took pictures.

I wish I had asked for copies of the pictures or asked Wal-Mart security for the camera footage. You know, some kind of photographic evidence. But I swear to you that it happened. And it was awesome.

Now anyway, onto the story of the summer. Now I have this female friend who shall remain nameless at this point because I doubt she wants the whole world to know that she uses this app that I’m about to tell you about. She and I have been close friends since high school when I helped her write a parody song for her science class about atoms (it was a parody of Shania Twain’s song “I Feel Like A Woman” called “I Feel Like An Atom”). So anyway, she told me about this app called Tinder.

For those of you who don’t know, Tinder is a dating app. Okay, not really. It’s more like a hook-up app or the world’s most shallow dating app. What you do is you connect your Facebook account to the app. Then you select the radius to scan and it will show you people who have the app within that radius. You can see a few of their Facebook profile pictures, their first name, age and if there are any mutual friends or mutual “likes”. Basically, if you think they’re attractive you click on “like” and if you think they’re not attractive you click on “nope”. That’s it.

If two people mutually like each other’s looks, then you’re able to chat with them via the extremely glitchy and unreliable messaging system within the app. I’ve only ever gotten two matches. (October update as I wrote this back in September, I’ve gotten a total of 5 matches now, but none of them went anywhere.) One didn’t respond to my message and the other…is the one this story is about.

Before I begin I want to mention that I had tried a few dating websites before getting this app. Plenty of Fish, Zoosk and some other one. None of them worked out for me. Now onto the story of Tinder.

Her name is Kaity. She and I started talking on the app and we really hit it off. She took several hours to respond to messages though and after a few days I finally just gave her my phone number. So then we started texting. Things were going much better with texting as she didn’t take AS long to respond. She told me that she wasn’t a very good texter and it showed. A lot of the time she would just stop texting me.

A few times I thought I had ruined things, especially when she ignored me for two days straight. But things weren’t ruined as she did eventually start texting again. She never texted me first, I would always have to text her. And I’d either have to say “Hey beautiful :)” or else I’d have to ask a specific question to get a response from her. If I just said “Hey” or “Hey there” or even “Hey, what’s up?” I wouldn’t get any response from her at all. It started to get a little annoying.

Anyway, I asked her out (unfortunately over a text message [you should know by now my tragic story of asking out Jackie over MSN] because I didn’t have any other means of asking her out) and she said yes. She had agreed to go out with me. This is where the story starts becoming weird.

She told me that she was busy taking care of her little cousins (though at one point she called them her niece and nephew) and wasn’t able to plan anything to meet with anyone. I told her my schedule for the following week and told her to let me know if she was free on any of the days I was free. She seemed excited about it.

A few days go by and I decide to ask her if she was free on a specific day. She happened to be at her ex-boyfriend’s house collecting her things (um…four months AFTER they broke up) and he happened to take her phone at the same time I asked her if she was free.

She didn’t know that he took her phone and he tried to pretend to be her.

He asked (as her) who I was…why I wanted to know if she was free…and then proceeded to tell me she had a boyfriend and I should leave her alone forever. It was around this time that she took her phone back and told me that that wasn’t her texting. When I asked who it was she told me it was her boyfriend. A little later she said that she is in fact single and has been for four months. I don’t know why she called her ex-boyfriend her boyfriend. That was just confusing.

A couple more days go by and at around 11:30 at night her ex-boyfriend hacked her Facebook account and (because I was stupid and gave my full name to her ex-boyfriend when he said “who is this?”) he found me and started talking to me (pretending to be her).

Oh wait, I have to say something before I start talking about this. Something else weird that happened…she ended up blocking me on Facebook. This was before her ex-boyfriend knew that I was about to go out with his ex-girlfriend so I highly doubt it was him hacking her account and blocking me. She blocked me shortly after she agreed to go out with me so I was really confused. When I asked her if she and I were still on for our date she said yes, which made things even more confusing.

The reason I had to bring that up was because her ex-boyfriend must have unblocked me from her Facebook account to start talking to me, yet never brought up the fact that I was blocked on her Facebook account, even after I told him that she was excited about going out with me. It’s very fucked up.

In any case, he started out trying to pretend to be her, but I saw through it right away and called him out on it and he stopped pretending to be her. Then I started calling him pathetic and stuff and Kaity actually came online and was really pissed off because she was trying to sleep.

She told us both to fuck off and called her ex-boyfriend an “idiotic bitch”. Then about twenty minutes later or so she apologised to me and was all embarrassed about it.

After much thought and her ignoring me apologising to her as well, I decided I had had enough. I told her that I didn’t think we should go out after all. The thing is, she didn’t have the reaction I was hoping for. She seemed more okay with it than disappointed. And I also really liked her (mainly because she was the first girl since my ex-girlfriend who had agreed to go out with me) so I changed my mind yet again.

I told her that if she still wanted to go out with me that I’ll still go out with her. After several hours of no response from that I sent her another text and she told me that she was at a family party and couldn’t text. So I told her to text me when she wasn’t busy and she said that she would. She didn’t.

A couple more days go by and I decide to send her a casual text being casual. Her response was, “Who is this?”

And this time it was not her ex-boyfriend. She deleted my number from her phone. I stopped talking to her after that.

Similar to how I wrote lyrics about how Erica and Connor betrayed me, I also wrote lyrics about this. So enjoy.

Hard to Believe:

Lyrics by: Stephen Kaplan


It’s hard to believe things will ever get better

It’s hard to believe that this isn’t it

It’s hard to believe things will ever get easier

But in the end I just don’t give a shit


Verse 1

You were supposed to make me happy

Change my life and make me glad

But in the end I just feel crappy

And it’s you that’s making me sad

All the time you just ignore me

And now you’re getting boring

Why must you be so cruel to me?



It’s hard to believe things will ever get better

It’s hard to believe that this isn’t it

It’s hard to believe things will ever get easier

But in the end I just don’t give a shit


Verse 2

If you don’t wanna go out, that’s fine

It’s cool, I understand

But why are you so unkind?

You started out nice, now I’m feeling bad

For you see you first said yes

I was ecstatic, but I digress

Now I find you’ve changed your mind



It’s hard to believe things will ever get better

It’s hard to believe that this isn’t it

It’s hard to believe things will ever get easier

But in the end I just don’t give a shit


Verse 3

And now I find myself alone

Hoping that you will text

Staring at my old cell phone

But I give up and say “what the heck?”

All because you are mean

And you choose to ignore me

Why do I even try?



It’s hard to believe things will ever get better

It’s hard to believe that this isn’t it

It’s hard to believe things will ever get easier

But in the end I just don’t give a shit



Girl, you’re making me feel so blue

And you see, I can’t get over you

You’re always running through my head

Making me wish I was dead

Why did you pretend to like me

Did you really find it funny?

Was I a joke or a game to you?

Now I’m alone and sad, it’s true



It’s hard to believe things will ever get better

It’s hard to believe that this isn’t it

It’s hard to believe things will ever get easier

But in the end I just don’t give a shit (x2)

(Like I said the last time, if you’re musically talented or part of a band, feel free to create your own musical interpretation of these lyrics. As long as I get credit for writing the lyrics there won’t be any problems. You can also record yourself [or your band] playing it and link me to the video or audio file so I can listen to it.)


And that is all that has happened since then. No new girlfriend, no new purpose in life. Just lonely, miserable, singleness. I’m glad I could end this series off with a downer. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to listen to “All Out of Love” by Air Supply on repeat for the next 24 hours.


As I stated earlier I wrote this back in September and it is now October 20th. I was hoping that by the time this post came out there would be a happier ending, but unfortunately there isn’t.

There was this girl who sat next to me in one of my classes that I really liked. When school first started she was in a relationship but then she became single. She laughed at all of my stupid jokes so I took that as a good sign. Even with that, though, and even with the people who I told about this girl telling me to ask her out, it still took me about three or four weeks to work up the courage to ask her out.

When I finally did just this past Thursday (the 17th) she…kind of laughed. It was more like a nervous chuckle than outlandish preposterous laughter. She told me that she was still kind of involved with her ex so she couldn’t go out with me. It was very disappointing. But at the very least she didn’t use the “friendzone” bullshit, so I give her props for that. And now I won’t have to wonder “what if” all the time. She also now knows that I like her, so if something changes perhaps she’ll change her mind and decide that she wants to go out with me. Who knows, right? Anything can happen and a guy can dream.

So…optimism. That’s a good way to end this, isn’t it? It’s better than that downer of an ending I had previously. So, thank you for sticking it out with me through all of this crazy nonsense. And with Halloween approaching, expect a ghost-related post next Monday.

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