If you ask me, “Stephen, what’s a hashtag?” I will slap you across the face and tell you to give me your brain because I wish I was as ignorant about the world as you. If anyone on this planet doesn’t know what a hashtag is (aside from babies and the elderly), they must be living under a rock.
Honestly, social media was fine until Twitter came along and ruined everything. First they started making people spell lik dis bcuz of 140 chrtrs, lol omgz bewbz!!!11! Then they made people confused because…what the hell is Twitter? I remember when everyone wrote Facebook statuses asking what the point of Twitter was. My response was always, “It’s basically the status update aspect of Facebook. And that’s it.”
Seriously, give anyone that definition of Twitter and I’m sure everyone will agree. Even to this day it isn’t much more than that. Oh yeah, except that there’s pr0n on it. Yes, you heard me correctly (or read what I wrote correctly). Real, actual pornographic images. There are entire profiles made dedicated to giving the people of Twitter who haven’t discovered other means of watching porn online a way to masturbate to the internet.
So…I guess that’s a plus. With the acquisition of Vine, there are plenty of Vine videos on Twitter, too. And again, pornographic ones. Who wouldn’t want to watch 6 seconds of a girl showing off her boobs? Or a 6 second video of a guy and a girl having sex? Wait…6 seconds? That’s like real life. *Ahem* Back to hashtags.
So where did Twitter go wrong? Besides existing, it was the introduction of hashtags. At first it seemed like a novelty. Whoa, I just have to put a pound sign next to a jumbled pile of random words and suddenly it’s a category! Amazing! I wonder if anyone else has said #CommonNormalEverydayWhiteBoysProblems I can’t be the only one!
They’re useless and annoying. Never have I ever (and yes, feel free to use this in a drinking game) felt the need to see how many people were using a hashtagged category that I thought up of in my head. #DamnUsJewishGuysAreRockin’ Am I the only one who thinks that?
Next came Instagram. They took the whole hashtag fad to the next level. Suddenly captions underneath pictures of food weren’t even descriptive. #Food #Porn #FoodPorn #Hungry #LooksGood #Delicious #BaconNHam #Breakfast #Doggy #IsThisAnnoyingYet?
And I was actually fine with that. I don’t even use Instagram so what do I care? And besides, it’s not like I’m breaking new ground by talking about how annoying hashtags are. There are plenty of people who agree (probably) that hashtags are annoying. I’m sure lots of other people have voiced their opinions. And yet people still use them. Why? Because it’s hardwired into our brains. Your brains. Hardwired into your brains. I don’t use hashtags…very much…anymore. Since I stopped using Twitter for the most part. I generally only used them ironically, anyway. Stop looking at my text like that. That’s right I can see that funny expression on your face. Don’t give me that look of hypocritical disgust. Let’s move on.
And then Facebook gave in. I respected the people of Facebook for so long. Even after they started using ads and even after all of the privacy scandals, I still respected them. But then they finally caved and allowed users to use hashtags the way Twitter and Instagram (and Vine and Pintrest and every other fricken social media outlet out there) did.
I’m happy to say that the people on my friend list don’t use hashtags on Facebook very often. Most of them seem to have forgotten that they exist on Facebook, so that’s good. Though if anything, this post will remind them, which isn’t good. I don’t even say the word “hashtag” when I see the symbol (#). I actually say the word “pound” when I don’t think about what I’m saying. Thanks to the use of phones, it’s hardwired into my brain that the number symbol is called the “pound key” on a phone and therefore you’re really saying “Pound I’mTheCoolestAwesomeestShortLittleFuckAround”.
Before we wrap this up I have to mention TV. Honestly, I can’t talk about hashtags and not talk about how they’re intruding on TV. Whose Line Is It Anyway? uses hashtags for no reason. #BradySinging Like, seriously? I don’t want to see that on my TV. Even AMC uses it for The Walking Dead and one of my favourite shows Ghost Adventures has succumbed to using hashtags. It’s a cheap, stupid way to see how popular your TV program is by going on Twitter and finding out how many brainless TV viewers are tweeting your stupid hashtag.
It’s also being used for contests where random people who use a certain hashtag will be picked to win a prize. It’s stupid and unnecessary. I seriously wish it was just a fad that would go away, but it seems like it’s here to stay. Unfortunately.
And now, until next time, I will leave you with this ancient Chinese proverb: We all live in a yellow submarine. Don’t we? Thanks for reading.
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