I know it’s late but I had to write this. I’m lying in bed, trying to fall asleep but I just can’t. I have to wake up at eight in the morning to get ready to go to school, but I just can’t sleep. My parents are leaving at around 4:30 or so in the morning to go to Hawaii for a week, so I’ll be all alone for a week. All, completely alone. I’m trying to sleep and it dawns on me: I’m alone.
Recently I’ve been having dreams about my ex. It happened before when the break-up was still fairly new, she would keep showing up in my dreams as if we were still together. Then a little later it started happening again, but even my dream self knew that it was ridiculous that she was there because we had broken up. I even had dreams about my ex-best friend telling me how awful the relationship with my ex was and how he wanted out. I had that kind of dream several nights in a row. That made me feel good. But this isn’t that.
A few times this past week she’s come up in my dreams again. As if we were back together. Maybe these thoughts tonight are my fault. I stumbled on an old folder that had videos from my high school grad ceremony in it and I watched one that had me and Erica in it together…and Connor. I shouldn’t have watched it, but I did. It just reminds me how alone I truly am and that now she and him are together.
So as much as I hate to admit it, I think she won this break-up. Here we are almost a full year after the break-up and she’s happy and I’m not. She’s in a relationship (even if it is with Connor and every time she looks at him she should be reminded of me) and I’m not. I’m just here, still awake, wishing I could sleep, realising that I’m all alone. And when my alarm wakes me up I really will be all alone for a whole week. So very alone.