I’ve seen many, many horror movies in my life. I love horror movies like crazy, which is why I really hate BAD horror movies. Movies that are supposed to scare me, but instead make me go “meh”, or nearly vomit from the disgustingness (that’s not a word, but I’m using it anyway) in the film. I’m not a fan of slasher movies, and as such have not seen many of them, so they won’t really be on this list. The only good slasher movie I’ve seen is the original Nightmare on Elm Street starring a very young Johnny Depp.
So what makes a horror movie good, then? Well besides a great set of scares, it needs to have a great premise with great characters. The characters need to be likeable so that I actually want them to escape whatever’s haunting them. The acting needs to be good, the writing needs to be good, and having really good scares in it helps a lot.
Now, these lists only have movies that I’ve seen in them and they’re both only top 5. If they were top 10 lists, I’d include more (obviously), so if your favourite or least favourite horror films aren’t in here, it doesn’t mean it’s bad (or not bad enough), it’s either not good enough (bad use of the word “good” for half of this post) for the top 5 list or I haven’t seen it. And just a heads up, my list will not include The Exorcist, The Shining, or Poltergeist. I’ve seen all three and love those movies, but they’re not in my top 5.
So let’s begin with the bad movies.
The Top 5 Worst Horror Movies I’ve Ever Seen
5. I Am Legend
I wasn’t even thinking about including this one on the list until I realised that this is a horror film…and it sucks. I mean, it’s not the worst horror film ever, but it’s pretty freaking bad. It’s not scary and it doesn’t go anywhere. I love Will Smith and think he’s a great actor, but this was just not a good movie. First of all, don’t make the zombies (or whatever you want to call them) appear to have intelligence and not take that anywhere. Then there’s the bullshit ending. God, that ending was bullshit. I won’t spoil it if you haven’t seen it. But just know that it’s freaking bullshit. I was not a fan.
I don’t get it. I simply don’t get this movie. It’s another one of those stupid clones of Paranormal Activity. Basically, there’s this super “artistic” girl and her boyfriend. She’s soooooo carefree and just loves being naked and having sex and making art. The boyfriend finds this “great” abandoned insane asylum (or something, does it really matter?) and decides to show her the place because he thinks they can clean it up and she can have her art exhibition in it. About halfway through the movie, the nudity stops and the “horror” aspect takes over. It’s the same old, same old with a really disgusting ending. I don’t recommend this movie to anyone. If you want to see nudity, go watch porn…or go watch Boogie Nights, that’s a great movie.
3. Evil Dead (2013)
I bet a lot of you freaked out until you saw the year. I love The Evil Dead, so when I saw this atrocity I wanted to punch whoever was to blame for making it…then I saw that it was made by Sam Raimi! How the fuck did the same guy who made the original trilogy make this abomination? I bet it was because of the Spider-Man trilogy. After the third instalment, he just went downhill. It’s a shame, too, that it wasn’t a very good reboot so there probably won’t be any sequels. It was essentially a “look at what we can do with special effects” movie. A girl cuts her tongue in half with a box cutter. Why? That was just gross. I didn’t need to see that. Where’s the charm and humour of the original? Where was the claymation and practical effects? I think it would have been better if they didn’t use any CGI. Fuck this movie.
M. Night Shyamalan. Do I need to say anything more? As far as horror movies go, this one is really bad. As far as Shyamalan movies go, this is pretty much what you’d expect. What a twist!
1. I Spit on Your Grave (2010)
I only put the “2010” part there, because that’s the version that I’ve seen. Though I’m sure the original is just as bad. Why did I sit through this whole fucking movie? I despise this movie. I seriously loathe it. It’s nothing but disgusting from almost-the-beginning to the end. There is nothing remotely good about it. It fails to have any scares and instead is just about a woman who gets raped wanting to get revenge on the men who raped her. Yet it’s still listed as a horror movie, so I still count it on this list. I have to say, whenever I see something going through an eye or eyelid or whatever, I get a bit squeamish. And there’s one scene with a fish hook and…ugh. And then there’s a bathtub of acid or something. I don’t fucking know. WHY DID I SIT THROUGH THE ENTIRE FILM?! AHHHHHHHHH! Don’t watch this fucking movie. It’s a waste of time and is just nothing but disgustingness.
So those are the worst horror movies I’ve seen. I’m sure there are much worse horror movies out there, but I’d rather not know about those. Now, let’s move on to the great ones.
Top 5 Best Horror Movies I’ve Seen
5. Cabin in the Woods
This isn’t the scariest movie ever…in fact, it’s more humorous than scary, but it’s just so good. It’s a homage to horror movies everywhere while also being a satire of horror movies while also being a horror movie. It’s got the perfect blend of scary, humorous and intrigue and of course it was written (or at least co-written) by Joss Whedon. So that automatically makes it good. It’s a fascinating movie and you don’t even have to be a fan of horror movies to love this one. I highly recommend watching it if you haven’t seen it already.
This is a weird one. I was ready to dismiss this movie as soon as I saw the first commercial for it. I was thinking to myself, Oh, come on. A freaking mirror? An evil mirror? This is stupid. But I decided to watch it anyway and I’m so happy that I did. It’s REALLY good. The opening scenes had me interested right away. There’s this guy who’s finally being released from an insane asylum and his sister is picking him up. There was an auction she was at that was selling this mirror and she got the mirror because she wanted to document what it can do since it basically ruined her life as a child. The movie is told through a combination of flashbacks and the present day and is just really well done. Lots of great scares and it’s quite unpredictable. The ending is really a shocker, too. The kind of twist Shyamalan wishes he could make. Definitely go watch this one.
3. Paranormal Activity 3
I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one, and that’s okay. You have your opinions and I have mine. I was actually going to put number 4 on the worst horror movies list, but somewhere along the way, I didn’t. That’s a really bad movie, too. However, number 3 is a really good movie. There are people who saw number 1 and 2 and never saw 3 because they felt the first two were too boring or something. I liked the first two, I thought they were both pretty good, but number 3 is my favourite in the series. It has the best scares and the craziest WTF last scene. It’s so fucked up, it’s awesome. And the amount of scares they were able to get from the oscillating camera was just awesome. I actually jumped at a few of the scenes the first time I saw it. If you’re one of the people that I described, go give number 3 a try.
2. Evil Dead 2
Yes, I have to have this one on my list. Even though I’ve seen the first one more times than I’ve seen the second and even though I love the first one to death, the second one is still better. It has better special effects (I mean, come on, they had Greg Nicotero on their special effects team), better scares, a more solid plot and a lot more humour. And Bruce Campbell is fucking awesome. This movie is so much fun and one of the best hour-and-a-halfs you could ever spend. It’s a great Halloween party movie to watch and is considered a classic for a good reason. It was made back when Sam Raimi was actually good. I highly recommend watching this if you love horror movies (of course, watch The Evil Dead first).
And my number 1 choice for the best horror movie I’ve ever seen is…
1. The Conjuring
Ho-ly Shit. This movie. This fucking movie. This has some of the best scares I’ve ever freaking seen. The first time I watched this movie, I was alone, at night and it scared the shit out of me (figuratively). The clapping game. The fucking clapping game. That is the most terrifying thing ever. They say that it’s based on a true story and they even have the family who actually lived it in the bonus features doing interviews. Yes the movie took some liberties with the source file from the Warrens, but most of it is actually what is considered to have happened. Unlike the Amityville Horror, which was most definitely not based on anything even remotely resembling truth. This movie has everything you could want in a true horror film. No, it’s not funny, it’s just scary. With great actors and a solid script, this is what I consider to be the best horror film I’ve ever seen. (And no, I do not care if I ever see Annabelle).
So those are my lists. Do you agree with them? Disagree? What are your favourite and least favourite horror films? Let me know in the comments. And feel free to share this list using the buttons below. Also, clicking on “like” and following my blog are nice things to do.